First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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