im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
