I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
