You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
