I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
