After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
