i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
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He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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