its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
