there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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