so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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