This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
