do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
