Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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