I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
