True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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