he puts the penis in happiness.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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