eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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