i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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