I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
