I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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