I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Randomize
