i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
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Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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