currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
