fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
id be glad to
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
