Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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