Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
