So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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