If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
