if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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