Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
