You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
