Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
