toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
