you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
