I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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