So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
