make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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