Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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