My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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