he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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