i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
