On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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