id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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