apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
