i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
