dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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