I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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