there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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