i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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