Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
