my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
