Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
