The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
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Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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