thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
