yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
